Do you remember that time in 8th grade, when no one could drop you off at school? You had a test that day, early in the morning, and you didn't wanna miss it. You could already drive at that point, but you didn't have a license. You took the keys and drove your parents' car anyway, knowing very well that you lived in the slums of Jakarta where gutters are wide open; ready to catch that one tire and pull your car in. You got home safe later that day. Your mom went nuts. But you were okay. No one was hurt. You took a leap and that was the start of your driving journey. Don't worry, at some point you'll live in a place with public transport that actually works. You learned how to ask for forgiveness, cause permission is overrated. If you didn't take that step, oh what a life you'd miss. Thank you.
Dear Wenny, do you remember, on your high school graduation you were late like you always were. You ended up getting the big trophies. You felt like.. all those all-nighters paid off when you saw your mom smiling from her seat — something you don't normally see.
And.. do you remember that in undergrad, you regretted every moment of it? Back then you were chasing grades. You later learned that plastic trophies were merely ornaments; perched on top of a piano, collecting dust, creating an outdated illusion. Do you remember feeling lost as a freshman cause you didn't know what you're passionate about? You ended up getting a crouching GPA because you were exploring yourself in other ways. You joined one too many fundraisers— selling popsicles, doughnuts, molen, anything you could sell, in the lecture halls, on the streets of Bandung. You remember counting the cash you earned that day — it wasn't much, but it made you high, yeah? That's what life should feel like, every single day.
Dear Wenny, do you remember, it was almost high school graduation, you were driving a friend back to her apartment, and you were having a casual banter about college? Your parents didn't go to college. They didn't even finish high school. Do you remember telling your dad that you needed money to go to college? "I'll try", he said. You decided to take SBMPTN anyway to get a spot in a public school, which you were totally not prepared for. You remember that a few days before the test, you hopelessly tried to chug the materials, but you gave up after 3 hours. You went and took the test anyway. You didn't even bother to check the results; you knew you blew it. But your friend decided to check it for you. You got into your first choice. Do you remember how weird that felt? What if she didn't check? Where would you be now? You then understood that only un-fought battles are truly lost.
Dear Wenny, do you remember when you were in 2nd grade, your mom asked, "If I get a divorce, who would you stay with?". You were in the kitchen, toasting bread. You weren't thinking, "Of course dad".
Oh so bitter.
Back then you were clueless. It was an obvious choice, mom nags, dad pampers. Do you think I'll regret it? I wish the divorce happened, but it didn't. What would happen if you didn't say "dad"? We'll never know. But it's fine. You didn't know back then, it's not your fault.
Dear Wenny, do you remember how your sister threatened to slap you in the mall over a silly car bump? Oh, you won't believe how much trauma that tiny thing inflicted on you. You felt helpless, sitting in the restaurant with her and her friends. You still remember your silence as they all talked through dinner. You remember the color of the tiles, you remember what you wore, you remember what you smelled.. You felt so weak. Oh dear, how I wish you could see my therapist. She'll tell you, you weren't weak, you were just young. Both you and your sister. But you'll get through it. You two grew up. You had a huge fight and stopped talking for half a year, but you made amends.
If only you knew how much you can stand up for yourself these days. Ugh Wenny, don't worry, you'll learn how to deal with conflicts. This scarred you for the rest of your adulthood. You never felt safe, physically, psychologically. You think everyone was out to get you. "Do they hate me? Am I in danger? Why is someone knocking on my door? Do they think I'm dumb? Am I dumb?". But you'll learn that everyone is busy with their lives, no one has that amount of energy to spare. You're safe.
Dear Wenny, do you remember when you were 14, your mom and dad had a fight because dinner was too spicy? You ended up having to physically block your dad, who was lifting up a chair, ready to swing it at your mom. You remember seeing your mom running away into the bathroom, and you were screaming for them to stop fighting. I don't think they recall this — God knows how often it happened back then — but you do. And you will cry every single time. But don't worry, it will get better, slowly, slowly. You picked your own problems to solve, and it wasn't an obligation to solve theirs. You didn't do much to fix it, what could you do anyway? Many years after, you would be blessed with sweet nephews and nieces, and soon they were too occupied. They now have common interests. They're adults, they are responsible for their own actions. You wouldn't see them as often anymore since you left home at 18, but you'd check up on them from time to time, and they were ok. It's a broken vase with a duct tape, but you're no longer a dying soul trapped inside. Your siblings might smack me if they ever read this. But fuck it, I have nothing to hide, I'm proud of them. They've dealt with these much longer than I have. And besides, every family has their distinct ways of fucking up.
Dear Wenny, do you remember when you were 10, the first time your sister took you to Tanah Abang to tend the shop? You finally witnessed what she did every day. Do you remember that, after one whole day, you only had 1 customer? Do you remember how stressful it was for her, doing this every day before going to class, to pay for your tuition, to pay for the family's humongous debt? You remember how hopeless you felt, not knowing whether it was all gonna work out. 'If the bank seizes our house we'll be homeless.' — not a single day passed without these thoughts ever since. You realized that no bad day in school — no matter how bad — would ever feel worse than this. Everything else in your life felt miniscule. But hey, your sister taught you how to talk to customers. You chanted your first "Boleh Bu, belanja. Boleh Pak, gamis buat anaknya?" to lure passersby. You were a shy little plankton back then, you'd do anything you can to avoid calling for pizza, but you managed to overcome your fears. We are absolutely shameless now.
Dear Wenny, do you remember when you were 17, you fell in love with this snack your sister bought? You loved it, and you thought there must be people who would think the same. So you made an Instagram account, and started selling. You had no idea what you were doing, you just wanted to make money and go to college. You didn't have a bank account so you asked your dad to make one. Your sister became your first investor — Rp 384k; that was the first ever money you had in a bank.
You slowly gained customers online. Your friends, teachers, and school staffs became your clients. You were labelled the Makaroni Popypops girl. Some people to this day still have that on their contacts. You hugged a human-sized bubble wrap roll on the back of a motorbike. You packed these after school every day, printed the labels, shipped the packets. You went to bazaars—sometimes skipping school—to sell these. On good days, you'd deliver a car full of boxes to restaurants. It wasn't a mega-business, but the money you saved from that ended up paying for two semesters of your college fees. You inspired me.
Dear Wenny, do you remember that one night, you went home and you saw an old skinny lady, sleeping right in front of the garage door. She was using a dirty styrofoam food container as a pillow and a pair of plastic bags tied to her ankles as footwear.
You still tear up every time you remember; how painful it was to hear people say "If you give her food, she'll come back every night". You learned that after all the misery you had, millions—if not billions—of others have it worse. You remember that day, you were studying for an exam, but you kept getting distracted. You quietly grabbed a blanket, fruits, biscuits, slippers, a jacket, and made a care package. Your neighbour looked at you in dismay. But you didn't care. You were compassionate and you'll remember her for the rest of your life. You're definitely not a saint, but you have a decent level of empathy and that's enough. You did things because you believed it was the 'right' thing to do. I'm proud of you.
Dear Wenny, you're about to turn 25. You're scared of the thought of death as it has been hitting more and more of the people you know. COVID-19 has given you nightmares for more than a year now. You're rushing to find 'home' because you're afraid you might die without ever finding one. You lost some tier-1 friends, but you cherish those who stuck around. You've made a hell lot of mistakes, but you're living a decent life. You hated yourself for so many years, you still do sometimes, but you spend most of your time these days loving you, and that's enough. You give far less shit about what people think of you now.
Dear Wenny, I wrote this to remind you that you are and you should always be unapologetically you.